She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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