Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
