when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize