I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
