i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
