i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
