Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
