I haven't been this sober since birth.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
