I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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