god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
