His hands were made for my vagina.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
