She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
