You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
only you would photoshop your dick
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
