I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize