And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
