Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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