so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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