remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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