i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
