peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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