ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
