this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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