I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
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