I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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