I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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