Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize