I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
