i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
