You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
