im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize