he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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