can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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