Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
