I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
