and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
