I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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