life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
