I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
