when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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