All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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