i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
