i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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