oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize