just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Randomize
