I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
