my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
