There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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