so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
