I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
