Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Fuck appropriateness.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
