She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
