I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
