my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
