Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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