I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
