how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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