Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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